


Connor Murphy Is Gay

by umplsstop



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Deserves Happiness, Crushing, Diary, Fluff, Journal, M/M, Pining, connor writes letters to himself, i already have another fic i KNOW, i dont know how to tag im sorRRY, i love connor ok, like badly, like no angst???, soft connor, unless you count how much of an asshole jared is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-08 18:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11087553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/umplsstop/pseuds/umplsstop
Summary: Dear Connor Murphy,You're now keeping a diary, what are you? A twelve year old girl?Well, that's how you're acting like with this new found crush...You're going insane.but he's like...so fucking cute?Ugh. I'm not high enough for thisSincerely,Me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AHHH YES  
> i know already have another fic, but i have no life and this idea has been bubbling around soooo
> 
> but yea u shoul d TOTALLY READ MY OTHER FIC  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/10926090/chapters/24302391\  
> and also u should totally follow my tumblr ;^)  
> http://failedfalencho.tumblr.com/

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_You're now keeping a diary, what are you? A twelve year old girl?_

_Well, that's how you're acting like with this new found crush...You're going insane._

_but he's like...so fucking cute?_

_Ugh. I'm not high enough for this_

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

Connor shut the journal, face flushed as he sat, leaned up against a tree. It was lunch, and the bell was about to ring. He didn't care. He hugged the journal to his chest, glaring at the horizon.

God, he was tired. The only reason he bothered to go to school was that he could always spot Evan scurry through the hallways.

The bell rang.  _Brrriiing! Brrriing! Brriiiiiiiiinnng!_ It was faint, for that Connor was outside. He slowly rose to his feet, stuffing the falling apart journal in his satchel.

Zoe--for once not acting like a total bitch--was like, "you should keep a journal, it helps me," and Connor was then like, "oh yeah you always talk about your crush." 

Then Zoe slapped him. Well, he kind of deserved that one. She better not look through his and find out who  _he_ likes.

Connor quickly then scribbled on the back of the cover of his journal:

_Zoe if you've opened this..._

_Fuck off._

Satisfied, Connor slipped it back in his satchel and hurried to class, hoping to catch Evan in the hallway,

Connor entered the school, seeing Evan, who obviously didn't want to be there, talking to Jared. Connor inched closer, hoping to hear their conversation.

"I still can't believe you broke your arm from a  _tree,"_ scoffed Jared. He gestured to Evan's entire self. "And I thought you were already pathetic enough."

Connor grit his teeth. Kleinman has always been one of the biggest assholes ever. Even worse than Connor, and that's saying something.

Evan stammered a reply, "Um...Yeah..." he let out a breathy, fake laugh. "I uh know...I'm pretty uh...sad?"

Before either Evan or Connor could continue their way, Jared caught Connor's gaze and began approaching him. "Hey Connor!" He called, a smirk stretched on his face. Connor wanted to slap it off. "Loving the new hair length...Very school shooter chic!"

Connor froze up, giving Jared the nastiest glare he could muster. If it weren't for Evan being friends with the prick, Connor would've already punched the guy in the face, breaking his nose.

"It's um...A uh...A joke?" Said Jared awkwardly after a few beats of tense silence.

Connor took a step forward, glancing at Evan who was standing off to the side, trembling and sweating. "Yeah I know. It's hilarious. I'm laughing...can't you tell?" He threateningly said. To try to scare the shit out of four-eyes, he hastily added: "Am I not laughing hard enough for you? Maybe this school shooter will aim for you first!" 

Jared stumbled backwards, eyes wide as he fixed his glasses. Trying to seem cool and tough, he coughed out, "You're such a freak!" And then he hurried off to his class with a minute to spare.

There left Connor and Jared. Connor turned to look at Evan, who stood there dumbfounded.

"uh..." Connor rubbed the back of his neck. "Um..Why do you hang out with him?" He asked. Seeing Evan's expression get worse, Connor then quickly said, "Ev...Evan right? Evan Hansen?"

Of course he already knew. He just didn't want to seem creepy...He's already labeled school-shooter, why would he need to be labeled "stalker" too?

Evan nodded. "Evan." 

Connor raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. That's what I said."

"Oh! Sorry...Um. yeah. Sorry. C-Connor...Murphy...Uh. That's erm..You? Corr--Right?" Evan spewed out, wringing his hands together nervously.

No matter what Evan did, it still managed to be adorable.

"Yes," said Connor. He opened his mouth to say more, but the bell rang, cutting him off.

Evan's eyes widened, then running off without saying a word, nearly flying as he scrambled to his late class.

Connor shrugged. He was still late, hurrying wouldn't fix anything.

Strolling to his next class, Connor couldn't help but scold himself for scaring Evan's friend.

Were the two friends? Hell, they probably were. Jared and Evan--They've been a duo since preschool. Apparently their mom's are best friends or something so Jared was forced to hang out with Evan.

Why would you ever have to be forced to hang out with Evan? Connor would pay Evan to hang out with him.

Okay, that's pretty extreme but it's true.

Connor entered art, Mrs. Pinn not even caring since she loved Connor, and sat in the back as usual. He pulled out his sketchbook and began sketching away.

He drew a large field. It was open and free, flowers scattered everywhere. They were bright yellow, decided Connor. He then added a large tree, so large it didn't fit on the page. Quickly, then added as a last decision, two figures huddled together.

You couldn't tell who they were. Male or female. Heck, you couldn't even tell what they wore unless you squinted. However, these figures were happy, these figures were what Connor desired in life.

A happy life. A happy relationship.

Connor laughed to himself bitterly. As if. The farthest in life he'd go is maybe a drug lord.

Hey, maybe Evan's into that.

 

 

 


	2. And I'm learning to walk, learning how to turn my back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea ok so chapter titles have nothing to do with anything they're just song quotes i like okkk  
> also jared and evan bromance???? yes puhleaaaaseee

Honestly, sometimes Connor wondered if his little spark of hope there for a chance with Evan shouldn't even be there.

Yeah. Actually, it really shouldn't.

What do they have in common? 

Well, Connor has seen Evan read. Connor likes to read. Evan is in art too--so obviously there's something there!

Connor likes to think of himself as an optimist.

Drumming his fingers on his desk, Connor studied the head of feathery, dirty blond head of hair in front of him. He wanted to run his fingers through it.

Okay Connor, chill. This is a Gay thoughts free zone!

Evan scribbled down notes, listening to every word the teacher said.

What class is he in again? He just refers to it as the class with Evan in it.

This fucking boy has ruined his life god damn it all.

"Mr. Murphy?"

Connor snapped out of his thoughts, staring forward. "Y-yes.." He looked at the teacher. "...Mr. Bates."

Mr. Bates rolled his eyes. "Do you know the answer?"

All eyes suddenly focused on Connor. All of them judging. Except one.

Evan stared at him, and Connor looked at him eyes wide. He couldn't make a fool of himself in front of Evan.

 _'negative twenty-four'_ he mouthed.

Hesitantly, Connor said, "Negative twenty-four."

Mr. Bates' eyes widened ever-so-slightly before nodding. "Um...Go-Good job Connor." He then went back to rambling on and writing stuff on the board.

Connor looked over at Evan, who was still staring at him.  _'thanks'_ mouthed Connor with a wink. Evan flushed and whipped around, going back to his scribbling.

Connor slumped in his seat. That was nice of Evan. Maybe Evan--

 _He just felt sorry_ A voice taunted him in his head. Connor scowled, staring ahead.  _Go away. Go away. Go away._ He growled in his head. 

 

* * *

\---EVAN---

Why was Connor staring at him like that?  
Everytime he turned around Connor was giving him this look. Like, what the Hell?

Okay so imagine a death stare, but then imagine like a predator. Like a wolf or some shit. It was the look of the way a cat looked at a mouse.

It scared Evan shitless.

"i don't know! He just...Stares at me during all the classes we have!" Evan said, exasperated. "Even if I pass him in the hallway...he just  _stares."_

Jared barked a laugh from across the line. "Jesus Evan," he breathed, still laughing. He calmed down after a few moments. "Ah...God. He's totally planning to kill you."

Evan's eyes widened before snapping a reply, "Sh-shut up! He..." Evan trailed off, going quietly. "oh my god he's totally planning to kill me."

Jared laughed again, giggling and snorting like this was the funniest thing in the world. Evan glared at the phone. "Oh ho! I'm so sorry Evan," he chuckled. "If it helps, you can put me in your will and all of your video games will go to  _me._ I'll go to your funeral even!"

Sitting down, running a sweaty hand through his hair, Evan sighed. "I gave him the uh...The um. Answer to a uh, question in math. Maybe he'd sp-spare me?"

"Wow Evan, living a life as a cheater before your death. How...daring."

"I will hang up on you," threatened Evan.

Jared said stuff how he was only family friends, and all that shit, but Evan wasn't clueless and dense. He knew Jared was deeply insecure and broken, like Evan. He knew Jared loved Evan like a brother, Evan sharing those feelings.

"Shit man! I don't know. What if he's got dirt on you, and then he'd send them to the government," said Jared.

"Jared...You and those conspiracy theories," Evan groaned. He wiped his hands on his jeans.

Jared gave a mock, offended gasp. "I have you know, Avril Lavigne is fucking dead. She's gone for like, ever, and then this new chick comes in and she's totally different! It doesn't add up!"

Evan rolled his eyes. "Whatever Jared. I gotta go," he said. He didn't really have anything to do. All his chores are done and so is his homework, he just wasn't in the mood today.

"Oh." Jared sounded dissappointed. "Okay well, see you tomorrow, if you're not killed in your sleep."

"Okay bye Jared..." Evan hung up, and fell back onto his bed, letting his phone slip from his fingertips. "Connor killing me? I doubt that. He seemed...Kind of nice today? I guess."

Evan scooted over to his laptop and opened it to his Notes app. He began typing it away.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today was decent, I guess._

_I mean, I didn't make a fool out of myself too much._

_However, Connor Murphy is keep on giving me this death stare. Like he's looking at me like he's going to kill me. help_

_Love your bestest friend,_

_Me_

Evan sighed and shut the laptop, staring out the window. When will his mom be home today? 

 

 


	3. i love the things you hate about yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love the idea of connor having a friendship with alana ok i just never see this????

If Jared struts down the hallway one more time in those stupid fucking bright green crocs, Connor might actually rip out his hair.

You know when he's coming from the loud squeaking sound they make. Not to mention they're bright neon, hell, they're brighter than Connor's future.

"Kleinman," snapped Connor in the hallway as he passed him. Jared froze, whirling around, his shoes making a loud  _squuuuuerrk_ sound. Connor grimaced. "What the fuck is up with your shoes?"

Rolling his eyes, Jared replied, "You're jealous. I mean, where'd you get your clothes from? Hot Topic?"

"Real original joke," said Connor, crossing his arms. "Your shoes are an atrocity."

Jared open his mouth to reply, but said nothing as he was cut off from the bell. "Whatever," he muttered and went off to his class.

Connor hurried, quickly heading down the hallway since Evan was in his second period. 

He sat down, three rows in front of Evan. Too bad they had a seating chart. Either way, he at least enjoyed how he didn't hate every single person in the room.

Pulling out his sketchbook, he just doodled flowers and trees. Tons of trees. Big tall pine trees, little shrubby birch trees, or even the simplistic oak tree. Connor saw one day that Evan liked trees, so he was like, "wowwww!!! if he likes trees then i should like trees! god we have so much in common!!!!" 

Like usual, he wasn't high enough for this Jesus Christ.

"Connor this isn't art class," an unwelcoming voice said from above him. Connor was laying his head sideways on the table, cheek smooshed as he doodled. He looked up, immediately cringing.

Mr. Blemming, probably the worst teacher in the world. He was like Fucking Larry--His sole mission to make Connor's life a living hell. Except like thirty times worse. "Give it to me," he said. "This is  _History_ if you didn't know." To emphasize even further, he gestured to the room widely.

Connor sat up, eyes wide. "uh...No?" he said quietly.

Surprisingly, Connor was actually a pretty decent kid to teachers. He didn't cuss them out, or any shit like that. Yeah, sometimes he would back talk if he came to school high, but mostly he was just quiet and minded his own business. Sure, he didn't turn anything in but if he did it was usual a low A or a high B. It was ONE TIME he freaked out with a teacher and that was in second grade when he threw the printer. He didn't even throw it, he just smashed it in a couple times. 

However, kids just love to exaggerate things.

"No?" echoed Mr. Blemming. 

Connor nodded slowly. "uh..n-no? It's mine?" 

Mr. Blemming snatched it up anyway. "I could show the class all your drawings," he threatened. Connor seethed. About everyone knew Connor was a pretty secretive kid. 

"Mr. B!" A voice called from the very front. Mr. B gripped the sketchbook tight, turning around.

Alana Beck, a teachers pet, a nerd, whatever you want to call her, hand raised. She lowered it after Mr. B's attention was caught. "Mr. B, that's an invasion of a student's space," she said. "Also, the bell hasn't rung and you've yet to call attendance. Give Connor a break," she said, holding an authority no other student besides Alana Beck would hold against a teacher. Just as she finished, the bell rung shrilly and she folding her hands neatly in her lap. "Now that class has officially started--and Connor wasn't drawing since you had it--I think you should give it back."

"Alana!" Gasped Mr. B. However, he gave it back to Connor. Who knew a teacher would get told by a student? 

Heck, Connor'd even listen to the girl with how smart and bossy she was.

"If I see it again, I will take it," warned Mr. B as he went up to his podium to call attendance. 

He went through the line, saying Alana's rather reluctantly. "...Beck..."

"Present!"

He went through a bunch of other names Connor didn't care for.

"Hansen."

Connor perked up, tuning in to hear his timid voice.

"Oh! uh....h-here..."

Connor slumped in his seat, playing with his hair. He had  nothing to be nervous about.

"Murphy."

"Here," Connor mumbled, studying the front cover of his sketchbook.

Mr. B finished calling role. He fished out a two page list of names. "Alright, a partnered project. Fun, right?"

The class bit back their groans. Every time there was a group project, Mr. B couldn't humour them and just let them pick their partners. No, he had to choose the worst partners in the world. So incompatible it's a wonder no student has died in his class.

"Alright, sorry guys," Mr. B apologized, not really sorry. "I'll name them, then tell you what the project is."

"Evan hansen with..."

Connor sat up, hoping he'd say Connor.

"Matthew Harris!"

Connor looked over at Matthew Harris, the son of the Harris' the next door neighbors. They were nice enough, but his parents always forced them to play together as children. That thankfully stopped around the middle of junior high when Connor began to "act up." 

He slumped over, hoping he wouldn't have a shitty partner. However by how things are looking, his chances of a decent partner are pretty slim.

"Alana beck and Connor Murphy!"

Connor sighed. She wasn't too bad. She DID defend him earlier. Also, she was smart, a good grade was guaranteed.

"Hello!" The girl appeared in front of his desk. Connor straightened up, giving her a once over. 

Her dark hair was pulled back, her grin large and blinding on her makeup free face. Something rare in this school. Zoe caked so many on she probably thought it was halloween everyday. Alana smoothed out her yellow dress. "I'm looking forward to working with you! We might become  _close_ acquaintances!"

Connor nodded, running a hand through his greasy and matted hair. He needed a shower badly. "Yeah. Sure."

Mr. B spoke up again: "Alright, you got your partners?" He didn't let the class reply before continuing: "Okay, so, as you know we've just finished the creation of America. I want you guys to do a presentation--anyway. Be creative. A scrapbook, a powerpoint, a posterboard, I don't care. Do it on the creation of America, the war, and our founding fathers." He sat down his papers and clipboard and wrote in big, colorful bubble letters on the whiteboard: 

**TODAY IS.... OCTOBER ELEVENTH**

**THIS WILL BE DUE..... NOVEMBER FIRST**

"I'm giving you guys more than enough time--However you can't work on it during class because we have more important topics. However, today I will be generous and you guys can discuss your projects." With one last look at the classroom, his gaze lingering on Connor longer than he would've liked, Mr. B strode over to his desk and went onto his computer. Probably not even grading or shit like that...Probably playing solitaire.

Alana pulled up a chair, sitting in front of Connor's desk. "Any ideas?" She asked. Connor opened his mouth to reply, but she continued on: "I think a powerpoint. That way if we're busy and can't work somewhere we can update on our computers!"

Connor nodded, drumming his fingers on the desk. "How about we work on every other slide?" He suggested.

Alana gave Connor a cheesy thumbs up. "Of course! I'm looking forward to working with you, Connor!"

Has Connor ever heard that sentence before in his life? Alana Beck was one of the seven wonders of the world, not treating Connor glass to tread lightly upon. She treated him as if she treated everyone else. For that, Connor was grateful.

"Connor?" 

Connor snapped out of his thoughts, gazing at Alana curiously. "Um..Yeah?"

Alana waved him off. "Sorry! You just looked so distracted! So anyway, can we meet tonight at A La Mode to work on it? Bring a laptop...Shit, do you have a laptop? It's okay, I can bring mine!"

"No uh...I have a laptop," said Connor. He rubbed the back of his neck. Sometimes he wished Alana treaded lightly with him, since she was so energetic and talkative.

Next thing he knew, Alana was holding Connor's hand, scribbling on the back of it. "Here! My number...Text me a time!" She said, with the same grin as always. "Okay so...Firstly, I can't do anything before five thirty. Tonight I have three meetings! School gets out at three thirty so.." She trailed off, taking out a large planner. She scribbled down some stuff with a blue highlighter. "Alright, sorry. I have a fifteen minute National Honors society meeting, then I have the LGBT support group meeting...That's thirty minutes! Lastly, I have an hour long meeting for student council. I'm the president," she added the last part proudly. Connor just nodded along, not really paying attention.

"'Kay, so like...Five fourty-five?" Connor asked.

Alana frowned, thinking to herself for a moment. Her grin came back and she gave a curt nod. "Yes! This would have to be--" She scribbled more stuff onto her thick planner. "--For about an hour. At seven I have this really important--"

Connor cut her off. "Yeah. Perfect. I'm free then, you're free. Perfect. Grand. Spectacular." 

_Anything so Connor can sit in silence and doodle for the rest of the period._

"Wow, we're like, fantastic partners," Alana said. "You know, I think you're really smart Connor."

Connor raised an eyebrow. "Smart?"

Alana tapped the desk impatiently, as if Connor wasn't understanding what she was saying. In all truthfulness, he wasn't. "Yes. Smart. You are. You scored higher than me on our finals last year...Remember? Second highest scoring in the district. I got third! You sure smoked me," she said, eyes wide. She winked. "It's okay, I'll get you this year."

Connor blinked slowly. Oh yeah. He hadn't even. "I hadn't even tried," he muttered. "I didn't study or anything, I just put whatever I thought best down."

"That's why you're so smart! You really did think best, and I bet you did try." Alana waved him off. "You have this tough guy, don't-give-a-shit facade on, but I know you're really sweet and smart Connor!"

"Okay. Sure." 

_Just get her off my back. I'm not smart, whatever. I just want to head home, draw, read, smoke a joint, write, and then sleep._

The bell rung, dismissing the class while also saving Connor.

Connor immediately gathered his things, muttering a goodbye, and darted out the door. He looked behind him, seeing Evan scurry out, head low. If Connor was Evan, he'd hold his head high, showing off that cute face of his.

* * *

 

Dragging himself into his house, Connor glanced around. Zoe was already on the couch, clicking through channels. She stopped, looking over at Connor. "Oh. Hi," she quietly greeted before clicking through channels again.

They didn't have the worst relationship in the world. Yeah, they fought, sometimes Connor getting out of hand and screaming, but so did Zoe.

However Fucking Larry always took Zoe's side. Thankfully, Cynthia always broke the two apart and things went back to normal until the next fight.

"Hey," he mumbling, plopping down next to Zoe. He glanced down at his hand. The writing was smudged, but the messily written phone number was still there.

Zoe glanced at it, raising an eyebrow. "Got you a hot date?" she teased.

Connor stuffed his hands in his pockets. "History project," he grunted, watching the show Zoe stopped on. Grey's Anatomy. He rolled his eyes. An overly-dramatic, unrealistic drama about doctors.

And they both loved it.

"Who's your partner?" Asked Zoe, eyes fixated on the show.

"Alana Beck."

Zoe looked away from the show for a split second. "Alana? She's really nice. Smart too. You got lucky," she said. She leaned back, silence filling the room the only thing you could hear was the faint sound of the TV and Zoe's nose whistling as she breathed.

After a few moments of watching the cheesy drama, Connor rose, stretching, his shirt rising to show his pale skin underneath. "When are Mom and Dad coming home?" He asked when a commercial came on.

Zoe glanced over at Connor. "Um...Dad probably earlier than usual. Leaving for a business trip tomorrow...Mom? I don't know, she's got some yoga thing tonight." She shrugged. "Why are you asking? You never care."

"Curious." Leaving that vague reply hang in the air, Connor headed back up to his room, falling backwards onto his bed and pulling his laptop onto his lap.

Connor lit a joint and let it hang from his lips as he went onto his computer, pulling his phone out at the same  time to quickly add in Alana's phone number.

_Ding!_

**Alana_The_Bee has requested to follow you.**

Connor logged onto instagram, accepting the request and following Alana back, who wasn't on private. Shamelessly, he scrolled through Alana's instagram.

He nearly spat out his joint when he saw her follower account.

**436 posts. 14.2 K followers. 197 following.**

Where'd she get all of them? Who knew. She was popular in her own quirky, weird, nerdy way.

Her profile pic was her standing in a large sunflower field, wearing the same yellow dress she wore today, hair free. Connor rolled his eyes as he went through her photos.

A picture of her with a dorky thumbs up in front of a Hillary Clinton poster. 

He liked that one. That'd be the only one though.

A picture of her cuddling with a little white poodle.

A certain photo caught his eye forever. There was a photo of her in the center with Evan on her right and Jared on her left, their arms slung around eachother's shoulders. She had a large grin, while Jared had his usual shit-eating grin, and Evan. Oh Evan. 

Evan had this little, subtle, and yet still noticable smile. It was a lip smile, nervous. The slight twitch of his lips. However, his blue eyes radiated happiness. He didn't know Alana and Evan were friends. Much less Jared and Alana. 

The more he thought about it, the more likely it seemed.

 _ **Lifelong friends are the best!**_ Alana had wrote. Connor did remember Jared saying how they were family friends. Was Alana just another family friend?  
He was even further shocked when Evan was tagged. So was Jared, but he ignored that part. 

He'd searched and searched for Evan's profile, never being able to find it. Now here it is, right there, tagged. Connor pressed on it, going to Evan's account. 

**PickledPearsAndPines**

**127 posts. 121 followers. 125 following.**

That username was fucking adorable. Also, it made sense for Evan to be kind enough to be a, "if you follow me I follow back!" account.

The profile picture was Evan sitting on a tree branch, eyes closed in pure bliss and happiness. Connor's heart nearly melted.

Without second thought, Connor requested a follow.

Suddenly, Connor felt self-conscious about his own account. His photo, his account name, even his follower account.

**OnlyInYour__BookishDreams**

**301 posts. 457 followers. 172 following.**

How he managed even ten followers, he had no idea.

His profile pic was him holding a cigarette, sitting on the hood of his beat up car. His edgy, grunge aesthetic you could say.

_Ding!_

Connor jumped, glancing at what the notification was.

**PickledPearsAndPines has accepted your follow request.**

**PickledPearsAndPines has requested to follow you.**

With a small grin, Connor pressed accept. 

Almost instantaneously, Connor delved into some instagram stalking.

He went through about every photo. They screamed Evan so much, Connor could've screamed.

One of the photos was the same photo Alana had, with Jared, Evan, and Alana all in a group photo. He even captioned the same words, " _lifelong friends._ "

He scrolled down even further.

A photo of him and his mom in front of some restaurant.

A photo of him at a National Honors Society meeting.

A photo of him playing with a puppy.

If Connor didn't look so creepy, he would've liked it.

Suddenly, Connor ran into a photo from 2015, during June. Evan was smiling, eyes shut, a large toothy grin. He was in front of a white brick wall. On his shirt said, "love is love." On his face were the colors of the Bisexual Flag.

Connor didn't know whether to scream, cry, or throw up.

He decided he'd do all three.

Evan was  _bi?_

This means he has a chance. 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_you might have a chance with Evan. Celebrate. Things may look up for you!_

_Sincerely, Me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> of course here's my tumblr:  
> http://failedfalencho.tumblr.com/  
> and my other fic which is angstier but features a pining connor too  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/10926090/chapters/24302391


	4. i've got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match

How'd he get in this situation?

Here Connor is, stuck in his bathroom because his parents are throwing a fucking party. He's sitting on the toilet seat, glaring at the door. 

He might actually die here if this party never fucking ends.

" _Hello! Are you still in there?"_ An elderly woman's voice spoke from behind the door.

Connor shifted awkwardly before raising his voice's pitch, "I'm uh...I'm on my period!"

There was rustling behind the door before the woman said softly, "take your time sweetie."

Holding back the small snicker, Connor rose up, feeling his pockets. He'll probably ask Alana to meet up for the project, or even ask Evan to hang out. Maybe. DM him on instagram and get his number or even ask Alana for it.

He felt his pockets, but nothing was there. Connor dug around in his hoodie pocket, back pocket, even his front pockets again. His phone wasn't there.

 _Shit!_ His phone was on the coffee table. He'd have to go out and probably socialize with all of the adults that will probably silently judge him.

Slowly, Connor opened the door, sighing of relief when nobody was outside the bathroom door. He crept around adults who stood, sipping at their red wine.

He spotted Zoe, sitting on the couch sandwiched between two ladies fawning over her. Zoe wore a fancy dark blue dress, probably the fanciest he'd ever seen her.

They both caught each others eye, Zoe's eyes wide saying, "help me!"

Connor shrugged, approaching her, coming up with an excuse on the spot. "Zoe!" He called, drawing the attention of the two ladies. "Mom wants to talk to you." 

Zoe mouthed, "thank you" before running off. Connor snatched the phone off the coffee table, pocketing it. He was just about to go outside before a woman's voice stopped him.

"Oh! Is that  _Connor?"_

Connor froze, looking over his shoulder. He sighed. Another woman he wouldn't recognize but they'd claim they helped change his diapers and then go into embarrassing detail.

A plump, short asian woman hurried up to Connor. "It is Connor!" She said, smiling widely. "I haven't seen you since you were this tall--" she gestured to the floor which was about four foot from the ground. "Like, seven!"

Connor nodded slowly. "Um..Yeah..."

She stood on her toes, squeezing and pinching his cheeks. "You got so tall!" She observed, ruffling his hair. "Your hair got longer too...You need a haircut."

Connor pulled away. "Er...six foot ma'am."

She waved. "I got to go, it was nice seeing you again!" She pulled him into a tight hug, nearly cutting off his air supply before scurrying off.

Who the hell was she?

Connor brushed it off, leaving the house and climbing in his car. He slid into the seat, pulling out his phone and keys.

**CM: Alana?**

**_Alana is typing_  
**

**_AB:_ Hi Connor!  
CM: hey so like do you want to work on our project**

**AB: oh I am so sorry Connor but I can't. I have stuff to do. Tomorrow though, I promise!!**

**CM: oh. it's fine. do u have evan hansen's number i think ur friends?**

**AB: yeah. we've known each other since like, first grade. Not as long as Jared and Evan, damn those knew eachother for like, ever.**

**AB: Oh sorry I rambled. Alright i'll send you his contact**

**Alana has sent a contact:**

**EVAN HANSEN**

**CM: ty**

**Alana: you're welcome!**

Connor nearly shook with excitement as he saved Evan's contact and quickly sent a text message:

**CM: hey. evan, right?**

_**Evan is typing.....** _

**EH: who's this?**

**CM: oh. sorry. connor murphy**

**EH: how'd you get my number?**

Connor wanted to slap himself. Evan probably thinks he's creepy now!

**CM: oh...alana beck**

**EH: oh. she needs to stop giving my number out without permission!  Literally Matthew Harris got mine in freshman year and terrorized me with midnight text messages of pepe the frog**

**CM: sorry i wont text you**

**EH: NO!**

**EH: no it's fine**

**EH: im happy you wanted to text me**

**CM: yay**

**CM: so anyway, are you free rn?**

**EH: yea why**

**CM: ok text me ur address**

**EH; what**

**CM: text me ur address**

**EH: but**

**EH: okay**

**EH: 1287 northern pine dr.**

**CM: i'll see u soon**

**EH: um ok**

 

Connor grinned as he started up his car, pulling out. He drove, carefully looking at the street names and addresses. 

Soon he came up to a little tiny, blue, one story house. Connor pulled up by the curb, texting Evan that he was here and getting out of the car.

Before he could even ring the door bell, Evan swung it open. His face was flushed. "hi!" he squeaked. "Um, do you want er...something to drink?"

Connor opened his mouth to say, "no we have to go," but he shut it and instead nodded. The more time spent with Evan the better.

The house was small, and he loved it. It was so much different from the large home Connor remained in. Sometimes he hated rich parents.

"It's nice."

Evan rolled his eyes. "Not...Not really." He shuffled to his fridge. "What do you want?" He asked, opening it.

Connor came over, hovering over his shoulder. He smelled like watermelon. "What do you have?"

Evan jumped, squealing out, "um...how about or-orange juice?"

Connor chuckled. "I'll take it."

Nodding, Evan took out two glasses and filled them up halfway with orange juice. He nervously sipped at it, avoiding eye contact with Connor.

"So why'd you um...Why do you want to hang out with me?" Asked Evan. 

Connor leaned against the counter, shrugging. "I was bored," he lied. But he couldn't just say, "you're really fucking adorable I love you please date me."

"Oh. No-Oh. Well...okay," Evan stammered, pouring his glass out before he finished and snatching Connor's who he haven't even touched, pouring that out too. "Where are we going?"

Connor eyed his empty glass, saying nothing. "You like trees, right?"

Evan shrugged. "I guess."

"You guess?" Connor led Evan out, holding the front door open for him and opening the car door for him. Evan squeaked a protest, but Connor ignored it as he got into his car.

It was an awkward silence as they drove. Evan was squirming, looking around warily.

"Calm down," softly said Connor, resting his hand on Evan's thigh, squeezing it.

Evan looked up, looking over at Connor, eyes wide. He squeaked, but did nothing to shake the other boy off. "I uh...I am c-calm!"

Connor would've pointed how Evan trembled, but he said nothing. "Music?"

Evan nodded as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. 

"What music do you like, Evan?"

Evan shut his eyes tight, thinking. He opened them before quietly answering, "um...F-fall out boy...I er...I guess?"

Connor shrugged. He knew them, not a bad group at all. He had their Folie a deux album. "Alright," he said as he slipped in the disk.

The music rumbled through the car, Evan seemingly relaxing. To start a conversation, Connor asked, "So uh...How'd you break your arm?" He completely forgot Evan had broken it. He spends too much time staring at his face.

Evan went red, looking out the window. An unfamiliar emotion was on his face Connor couldn't quite read. "Um...I er..I fell."

Connor raised an eyebrow, eyes still on the road. They were starting to enter the country. "You fell?"

Nodding, Evan continued: "i was a uh...A junior park ranger? This er...This summer. I am a tree expert...not to uh, not to brag," he chuckled at his little joke. "But um...So er, yeah. I climbed up a tree and I fell."

"Why'd you climb up the tree?" Asked Connor, drumming his fingers on Evan's thigh. It felt kind of bony. 

"To uh..." Evan trailed off, looking around as if he was thinking. "To check up on the trees."

Connor didn't point out the obvious lie. Why would he lie about something like that? Connor pulled up to a gravel parking lot. It was empty. Evan'll tell him when he's ready.

"We're here," said Connor before Evan could continue onto his lie. He climbed out, Evan following along. 

Evan looked around, studying the area. From the parking lot, you'd follow the dirt path in the field to a gate, you'd open it up to a large orchard. There was hiking trails and it led to forests and rivers. Evan breathed out slowly, eyes wide. " _Wow."_ Evan took a step forward, glancing around. His eyebrows raised, as if he realized something. He frowned for a split-second before replacing it with a small smile. "I uh...I've been to here before. Not the orchard part since it er..It shut down. I've gone to the larger, deeper forest it leads to."

Connor patted Evan's shoulder. "Well now you'll get to see it," he said with a wink. "Come on." Connor strode ahead to the gate, taking out a key and unlocking it.

"Where'd you get the key?" Asked Evan nervously. "Is this illegal?"

Connor rolled his eyes. "You're no criminal Hansen. Anyway, I got the key because my aunt like co-owned the ranch before it shut down or whatever." The gate squeaked open, leaving them able to follow along the trail. "After you, m'lady."

Evan smiled, slapping Connor's hand. "I'm no lady."

"You are today," connor said, shutting the gate behind him and pocketing the key. "Lead the way."

Evan hurried ahead, looking around. The trees were lined along a wooden fence, growing taller and taller as they walked, shadowing over them. The sun's rays danced along the tree tops. Evan had the small, subtle grin Connor couldn't get enough of. Evan slowed to a stop as they entered a clearing. A large open field, trees framing it with yellow flowers, pink flowers, blue flowers. Flowers were scattered everywhere. A path was cleared that lead to a single tall tree atop a little hill.

Evan whirled around, looking up at Connor, eyes bright. "Thank you so much," he breathed. He checked the time. 6:32 P.M. They'd been gone for an hour. He looked around again, but his gaze led back to Connor's. "No, seriously. This is um...The nicest thing anybody as ever done...Even if it was...if it was out of boredom."

"Fuck,"  Connor quietly swore. "I'm glad you uh...I'm glad you could have fun with someone like me."

Evan went down the path. "I'm glad too, i mean. I'm glad you could enjoy time spent with  _me."_

Connor dug in his pocket, fishing out a sharpie he luckily had. "H-Hansen?"

"Yeah?"

Connor shuffled his feet, shyly kicking at the dirt. "Nobody's uh...Nobody's signed your cast."

Evan looked down at it. "oh. Ye-yeah...Um..Hah...Ha."

"Well I'll sign it."

Evan glanced at Connor in surprise. "Oh! I mean...uh..thanks?"

Connor grabbed his arm a little to harshly, muttering a reply. In big letters he wrote his name messily. 'CONNOR.'

Evan looked at it. "thanks."

"Now we are friends."

_Shit._

"F-Friends?" Stammered Evan, retracting his arm.

"I uh..I m-mean--"

Evan cut him off. "Well then, I uh...I am...I am glad to st-start this friendship..Um...Yeah."

Connor loosened up, letting out the breath he didn't realize he held. "Me too, Han--Evan."

Evan beamed at him so brightly, Connor was sure it could combat the sun.

Evan continued down the path, studying his feet. Did Connor make it awkward now?

"So uh...Connor," began Evan. "What's your uh...Your favorite color?"

Connor shrugged, following Evan slowly. He stared at the horizon. The sun was starting to set. He didn't want this day to end yet. "I guess...Dark red."

Evan nodded. "Mine's yellow."

"Not blue?" Connor asked in surprise. "Shocker."

Evan nodded, coming up to the large oak tree. He leaned up against it, slowly sliding down it to sit down. Connor sat down beside him. 

"What will you do after high school?" Asked Connor.

Evan rubbed the back of his neck. "Probably something to do with the enviroment."

Connor nodded, sighing out in happiness as he watched the sunset.

This was the first time in forever Connor didn't feel complete anger or sadness or regret. Something other than a pang of numbness.

"There's no where else I'd rather be," whispered Evan.

"Me too."

After Connor dropped Evan off at his house, he drove off and hurried to his room, the party thankfully ending at people piled out.

He kicked his shoes off, saying goodbye to the last few strangers who were leaving. Just as he was about to head to his room, Larry popped up in front of him.

"Where were you?" He demanded.

Connor scowled. "Out."

Larry scowled right back. "Where is 'out?' Drugs?"

"A friend," muttered Connor, pushing past Larry, who was dumbfounded.

"Friend?" He echoed.

Connor looked over his shoulder, glaring. "Hard to believe, huh?" He hurried to his room, shutting the door and locking it. Nobody needs to come in during his journal writing.

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_God. Today was so...So amazing._

_Every time Evan smiles you fall a little harder. God damn_

_You're really gay._

_His freckles, his dimples, the way his eyes shine...Everything is so beautiful._

_He's your very first friend since...Like, seventh grade._

_Have hope,_

_Your stoner, hopeful friend,_

_Me._

 

 


	5. you only hear the music when your heart begins to break

Where was his journal? Where was his fucking journal?

All lunch Connor was ducking into classrooms asking if they saw his journal. Every single one of them said no. Now here he is, digging through his bag for the fiftieth time hoping it'd suddenly just pop up.

Spoiler alert: it never showed up.

Connor ran his hand through his hair. It's okay. He'll check lost and found. That's it. It'll be in there. Or maybe he left it at home.

_Yeah? leave it at home where his family will look through it._

Connor slung his bag over his shoulder and marched to lost and found. He began throwing shit. Digging through it, not caring if he ruined it or not. He needed that journal. With his luck Evan'd get it... 

Or even worse: Jared fucking Kleinman could get it.

His movements grew more frantic at the thought of someone finding his journal. Connor froze when he heard the familiar laugh of someone.

"Evan! Look at this!" Choked out Jared in the hallway, waving around something Connor couldn't catch. Connor grit his teeth, looking over at Jared. Jared mumbled something to Evan, to whose eyes went wide, and started scolding Jared about something.

Connor inched closer, hoping Jared wouldn't notice him. "--come on, don't you want to see?"

Evan shrugged. "It's an...It's an invasion of privacy and..." He trailed off. His eyes were filled with curiousity. What were they looking at?

Jared rolled his eyes, and opened what he held. He cleared his throat, spluttering. He then nearly dropped whatever he held from laughing too hard.

Evan tugged at Jared's sleeve, looking over his shoulder. Jared moved away. "Let me read it!"

Connor realized what he held before it was too late. He really wanted to kill himself.

"Ahem--" Jared dramatically cleared his throat, straightening up. "--Dear journal, today was shit. However seeing Evan smile, that made me feel better. God he's so beautiful...and adorable. Why can't he just fucking see that? I wish we'd get to know each other more. He's probably straight though. That's my luck." Jared read this all in the voice of someone who sounded like they smoked a pack a day.

Connor's face was flushed, and he was about ready to sink in a hole. He marched forward, but his legs turned to jelly when Jared and Evan both snapped his gaze to him. Connor took a step back, eyes stinging. "Where'd you...Why do you..." He stammered. He didn't know what to do or say. He couldn't just run away, he needed that journal back.

Evan opened his mouth to say something, but Jared beat him to it. "Aww Connor, your crush on Evan is  _adorable," he_ said with his shit-eating grin. 

Connor clenched his fist, gritting his teeth. "G-Give it back," he growled, taking a threatening step forward. Jared rolled his eyes then  _continued onto another fucking page._

"Dear Journal--Oh this one's from yesterday--Who knew Evan's hair would shine so beautifully in the sun? God. I am super fucking gay," Jared giggled, looking up at Connor. "Real fucking adorable!"

"Yeah. Adorable, ha. fucking ha." Connor snapped, lunging for the journal. Jared stepped away. He read on and on about Connor's crush on Evan right in front of the boy!

Connor had enough. He froze, hugged himself. It didn't matter anymore. Evan knows now. Without a doubt, Jared would spread it like a wildfire.

Jared's eyes went wide as tears started to sting at Connor's eyes. Connor looked up, glaring daggers at the both. "Alright, I am done. Keep the piece of shit, I don't care!" He shrieked. "Let people know I am a fag! I couldn't care less!"

Jared slowly handed the journal back to Connor. "Uh...Chill dude. I'm just having fun."

Connor gripped onto the journal so tightly his fingers went purple. "Sure. I'm having a grand ol' time too!" He snapped. "I-you---" Connor stared at his feet. He was ashamed and embarrassed.

Something rested on Connor's shoulder. He looked over and saw Evan giving Connor a nervous smile. "U-Um...That's uh...You said re-really nice uh..stuff..." Evan stammered, not looking Connor directly in the eye. "I uh mean...nobody has said...nobody has said that stuff--I mean...well...yeah er..." Evan just stopped talking, face bright red.

Jared was laughing in the background, obviously amused by this. "Kiss you homos!" He yelled.

Connor didn't give him any attention. "You deserve to have that stuff said to you," he murmured.

"Thank...Thank you...Yeah um. Thanks," said Evan. He kept his hand on Connor's shoulder. "And...And uh...Would it be er crazy...to uh--" Evan cut himself off by standing on his toes and crashing his lips against Connor. He pulled back just as fast as he leaned forward.

"What. This uh...This isn't f-funny," stammered Connor, obviously affected by Evan's soft lips. 

Evan rubbed the back of his neck. "Good because uh...This isn't a uh...a joke? I mean--"

Connor cut him off this time by grabbing Evan's collar and kissing him. He ran his hand through Evan's irresistable hair. He leaned back, out of breath. Evan looked daze, looking back and seeing fucking Jared take photos.

"What? Stop!" Squealed Evan. 

Jared waved him off. "It's sexy and adorable. Please continue. I'll go jack off silently in the corner." 

Connor shrugged. "Have fun then," he said, going back for another chaste kiss. 

Evan eyed the journal. He smiled mischieviously. "So, what else you got in...in uh...in there?" He asked, trying to sound smooth and suave. 

Connor beamed down at Evan, winking. "A lot more. We could go to my room and read them all night long. Especially the more..." Connor licked his lips. "Descriptive ones." 

He prayed Evan didn't think he was creepy. He didn't worry long, since Evan rolled his eyes and saying, "Just take me ...just take me out for a date."

"Will do."

"THAT MEANS HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU!"

"Blow me Jared!"

"You like teeth, right?"

Connor flipped Jared off before going for one last kiss. He has a lot of kisses to make up on from all that pining. 

 


End file.
